Over and Over Again

Some of my thoughts from back in May about baby girl's health:

It's a lesson God's so patiently repeated to me time and again this month and the last.  I heard it loud and clear on the day they discovered something might be wrong.  For most of the month of March and all of the month of April I struggled with the worry.  The last thing I wanted to hear as a parent was that she wasn't perfectly healthy. 


This little one and I put in a lot of time at the hospital at the end of the pregnancy.  Twice weekly visits to the obstetrician and twice weekly non-stress tests.  Nurses would stand in groups listening to the crazy little beating of her heart.  Amniotic fluid levels were low and the doctor said "bedrest" and "hopefully we can wait until you are 37 weeks".  So we prayed and I rested and I hydrated and I saw the specialist and soon everything looked perfect again.  The doctor said the arrhythmia was "absolutely nothing to be concrned about" and my fluid level soared above where the ob expected and now she was saying "hopefully we can get you to 39 weeks" and we praised God for his faithfulness to answer prayer.

When 38 weeks came the fluid levels dropped again, the doctor said it was time.  She scheduled the induction for the following morning and it was answered prayer in my eyes because I had a feeling she was coming soon and I knew that another doctor would do a c-section.  Our sweet baby girl was born and the doctor made jokes about labor that only lasts 3 hours and delivery that takes only a minute and how next time Jeff could just deliver the baby.  She told me to get a good look and then they rushed her over to the incubator and a whole crew of doctors and nurses who took a good look at her.  She was pretty and pink and perfect and yet that heart still beat out that unusal rhythm.  They ordered an EKG and an echo and told us we'd hear more tomorrow.  And we didn't worry because we were confident that God had already told us she would be fine.

Then Thursday morning brought the pediatrician in and the confidence flew far off. He told us of PDAs and PFOs and frequent PVCs and aortic coarctation.  He told us time would tell and that we needed to watch for the signs that our girl's heart wasn't doing its job.  My tears held off until he left the room and then all I could do was cry and hold my baby and wonder what the future held for her.  All of that knowing what God had spoken was gone and all I could do was worry. 

We could read on her face a much different story than the one I had heard from the doctors. It was the same way when I was pregnant.  The doctors would say something that would bring on the doubt and I would feel her dancing around inside - so strong and extremely active.  And with every movement I heard the message over: "Do not worry."  Now I was holding this baby who was strong and alert and eating so well and everything looked perfect.  And she was speaking with her eyes the same words her Daddy was saying out loud: "Do not worry!"

They said when they sent us home that the arrhythmia was sounding better and that they had high hopes that it would go away on its own.  An appointment was set with a pediatric cardiologist and they sent her home with wires - a portable EKG machine. The machine came off 24 hours later and I was confident again that she would be ok.

Her little life has been like a broken record playing the same tune over and again.  The doctors find something new to worry over and she keeps telling us she's just fine.  Another hospital stay for RSV and she never shows a symptom.  More monitoring of that tiny heart and they say everything looks fine.  We won't know for sure for another month, then another 6 months, but it looks like all is well.  A positive test for Organic Acid Disorder and still she grows and looks so healthy.

This recurring scenario feels a whole lot like God patiently teaching me to trust.  And I can't help but be so grateful for the way he calmly walks me through it all time and again.  The worry springs up and he teaches me again and again, even though this lesson is taking me a lifetime to learn.

The newest update is that the PFO (one of the holes in her heart) is still open, but it's not a big deal - up to 1/4 of the population has a PFO.  The PDA closed! Thank God!  The aortic coarctation was never present - the hospital pediatrician mis-read her chart!  She never showed even the slightest sign of RSV.  The Organic Acid Disorder scare turned out to be nothing at all.  The only thing that has been even the slightest issue was a little bit of acid reflux, which seems to have cleared up.  The PVCs are still present, but only enough to warrant a repeat check in 6 months.  They are far less frequent than they were when she was born.  We have one healthy, happy and extremely content little one on our hands.

Taking the Joy Dare from A Holy Experience: writing down three gifts each day for a year.

January's Joy
February's Joy
March's Joy
During the month of April (an incomplete list, since I was so busy soaking in the joy of a new baby that I forgot to look for all of these specifics):
1.  3 gifts round
white ball of dandelion seeds that delight my boys * candy filling those eggs that wait for Easter joy * sweet little baby cheeks
2. 3 gifts white
new piece of paper all ready for another month's joy * milk mustache * white gravel drive against vibrant green grass
3. 3 gifts surprisingly found
fluid levels even higher * peaceful, quiet lunch * encouragment
4. 3 gifts in His word
living sermons from little ones bringing to mind that we must "become as little children" * conversation with a 4 year-old about Jesus' teaching that "No man can serve two masters" * reading the passion story together , feeling the sorrow and reminding that Sunday is coming!
5.  3 gifts at 11 am, 2 pm, 6 pm
commandments not to worry even when things look bleak * asking forgiveness and recieving grace from little ones * hard eucharisteo - working hard all day and experiencing mess & chaos & disappointment despite it all - yet God is so glorious in all this brokeness!
6. 3 gifts nailed together
nails in the cross and in his hands * nails in the walls holding their pictures and shelves * the screws and nails he drives all day to put food on our table
7. 3 gifts waited for
baby girl * Sunday morning * hearing little voices yell, "Christ is risen, indeed!"
8. 3 gifts rising up
sun rising as I hid eggs in the yard * the overwhelming joy of Christ risen * rows of green shoots in the fields
9. a gift hiding, held, heard
little guy always finding new hiding places * all snuggled up together * hope that we'll be holding her soon
10. 3 gifts opened up
the doctor opening the door to announce it's baby day tomorrow * opening the door to our home where my boys wait for me * opening the menu at our favorite restaurant to celebrate her coming so soon
11. 3 gifts budding/blooming
new little life * pink flowers * surprise lilacs waiting at home
12. 3 gifts worn
my own clothes * dinosaur sticker from Cap on her receiving blanket * precious bow in her hair
13. 3 gifts bright
baby eyes open wide * little boy smiles as they welcome us home * sun peeking through clouds
14. 3 gifts found looking up
her looking up as her brothers smile down on her * rain falling to quench dry earth * no time for looking up when such an amazing gift is lying in our arms
15. a gift in a bag, in a box, in a book
lunch brought by friends * little hospital room that feels so much like a box * him reading for school with her in his arms
16. 3 hard eucharisteos
the not-knowing * blue marker on white carpet * 3 kids by myself with a headache
17. 3 gifts woven together
purple blanket Grandma made for me * pink cardigan passed down * them all cuddled up together
18. 3 gifts inherited
the way she looks just like the boys * long fingers and toes traced back to her great-grandma * generations before who tended their living epistles
19. 3 gifts square
books piled up that the boys are reading to their sister * square pretzels he keeps sneaking off my plate * garden plots laid out
20. a gift stacked, stashed, stilled
books full of baby pictures * plenty of food in the pantry * fears stirring & stilled
21. 3 gifts found in Christ
inheritance of a son * the freedom of being not my own * reminder that he will provide
22. 3 gifts close
little ones held close as we worship * her resting on Grandma's chest * kids all cuddled up on Grandma's lap
23. 3 gifts reflecting
silly boy watching his reflection in the mirror * time to think & new conclusions * beautiful moonlight
24. 3 gifts fragile
tiny little body working just right * tender feelings of little ones * joy shattered by discontent
25. a gift cloth, steel, wood
precious little dress * doorknob turned that's long been still * space in a tree just the right size for sitting
26. 3 gifts moving
three squirmy little ones *
27. 3 gifts "ugly beautiful"
all these emotional growing pains * need fulfilled * dirty mop water - clean floors
28. 3 gifts orange
cheetos on little fingers * carrots-to-be * orange light reflecting
29. 3 gifts in dirt
deep, rich, rain-soaked fields * garden so close to planted * grapes and strawberries planted
30. a gift given, made, sacrificed

March Joy

Taking the Joy Dare from A Holy Experience: writing down three gifts each day for a year.

January's Joy
February's Joy

During the month of March:
1.  3 gifts at 3 pm
mercy at the library * their joy in new books * snacks all packed for the park
2.  3 gifts green
 grass turning greener * that silly green hat * green apple tree he colored
3.  3 gifts wore
super hero mask * make-do wedding ring since my fingers are swollen * Skdamarink's tears when he comes to me for comfort
4. 3 gifts hard to give thanks for
words spoken that I can't agree with * friends whose words & attitudes wound & torment * having to leave when I would much rather stay
5.  3 gifts found
lost library book * patience in abundance * something to motivate
6.  a gift bent, a gift broken, a gift beautiful
teacher bending to connect with a student * toys that still bring joy * baby coos
7.  3 gifts in the kitchen
love motivating a meal I don't feel like cooking * Cap baking biscuits * them all gobbling it down
8.  3 gifts loud
baby girl crying out for what she needs * boys giggling together * squeals of delight
9.  3 gifts carved
time carved out for reading * well-worn notches in the table * words in stone
10.  3 gifts in Christ
all this freedom * no cause for worry * ability to acknowledge sin & know Christ breaks the power & removes the stain
11.  3 gifts read
words from a hymn never heard before * a letter on the desk * silly book shared
12.  a gift in wind, in water, in white
all those blustery blasts bringing warm air * whole house washed clean * lace curtains blowing from open windows
13.  3 gifts round
baby belly growing rounder * bright sun shining * green ball the boys are bouncing around the yard
14.  3 gifts found in silence
silence while boys snooze & I work * beautiful bird-song so loud in all this quiet * midnight bathroom trips revealing a house in peace
15.  3 gifts given away
hugs and kisses shared * little boys giving toys to each other * time spent off task
16.  3 hard eucharisteos
late night work when all I want is rest * thanks for work yet undone * words held back when patience wears thin
17.  a gift turned, a gift folded, a gift hung
turning toward friends to talk together * sweatshirt folded behind my back in those chairs all day * the way they are hanging on the windowsill waiting for me to get home
18.  3 gifts red
little red scarf that transforms my sweet Skidamarink into a ruthless pirate * red paint that will be one day * red sheet hanging in the living room - serving it's last night as "tent"
19.  3 gifts eaten
breakfast with my boys * tacos since he can't be here * candy hearts
20.  3 gifts that made you laugh
little girl watching the sonogram * the way I have to keep learning this lesson * so much joy watching boys play
21.  a gift salty, a gift sweet, a gift just right
tears cried when I realized it was his birthday * the cake a friend made with the boys to celebrate * her offering the stay & help more
22.  3 gifts found in his word
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him" * "The joy of the Lord is my strength" running through my head over and again * us all gathered round reading together
23.  3 gifts found in women today
sonogram tech announcing all is well * friends eager to rejoice in the good news * Grandma on the mend
24.  3 gifts spoken
time to talk with friends * shared relief that all is well * little voices bringing so many gifts
25.  a gift sung, a gift written, a gift painted
Skidamarink singing "glory" * his schoolwork getting caught up * another coat of paint on baby's dresser
26.  3 gifts almost gone
night fading into day * cheerios all scarfed down * food left by friends - letting me rest even more
27.  3 gifts redemed
forgiveness shared when they bicker * discontent not ruling * relationships set right
28.  3 gifts entwined
Skid's head and hands peeking through railings to say hi * boys wrestling with their Dad * time to cuddle
29.  3 gifts of his promises
that he will be faithful even when I am faith-less * love unending * his love for her so far outweighing mine
30.  3 gifts uncovered
sillly little boys, hiding under blankets * new knowledge * sweet baby girl, smiling under that peek-a-boo blanket
31.  a gift heard, a gift held, a gift hoped for
friends and family chatting * purple blanket, oh so soft * healthy baby girl to wrap up in that blanket

All of My Best Plans

The fear sets in when the plans come crashing down.  When I prepare and plan and give all my best effort to getting my ducks in a row only to watch those plans fail.  Sometimes everything comes to a halt and there is absolutely nothing left but to wait.  I can't help but laugh a little at the way it keeps happening - the way all the work comes to a sudden end when so much is undone and the waiting sets in and I must learn this lesson all over.

It happened a few months ago.  We set aside the packing for praying.  For two weeks we prayed that God's will be done while we waited for the moment we would know if we were moving or not.  For two weeks we knew that we probably wouldn't get an answer until moments before it was time to act.  The moment came and we went downtown to sign contracts on the house God said yes to while friends and family picked up where the packing had left off.  And we moved that very night.

It's happening again today.  This nesting momma has been given orders not to nest.  It's time to wait.  The not-knowing gnaws.  Baby's heart beats irregular and we wait for answers.  Fluid levels drop and we don't know if it means she'll be here too early or if she'll be here in a few weeks or if she'll stay and grow until the time we were expecting her. 

And the truth is we're just not ready.  The bags aren't packed and the clothes aren't put away.  The cars aren't fixed and the carseat sits in the house.  We haven't bought a crib and are probably expecting a baby that won't fit into a stitch of clothing we have for her.  And my orders are to sit and wait and not do anything.

It can overwhelm so easy.  My plan A comes crashing down when the doctor says "soon" and I make a plan B and watch while it too nose-dives when I hear of specialists and hospital stays.  Everything spins and the only thing that is clear is that I'm not in control and that I won't be in control. 

The fears threaten to well up when the best laid plans crumble.  I know the what-ifs can strangle if I let them.  So I take time to count joy.  I sit all day in that hospital bed knowing that it's not the magazines or the television I need to distract me from worry.  If I seek distraction those fears will still eat their way in.  What I need is eyes to see.  The only way for me to fight the fear that comes with the unknown in the middle of my crumbling plans and spinning world is to taste and see the goodness of God that is surrounding me and even sustaining me in the middle of the chaos.

This storm, it isn't calming yet and her heart keeps skipping beats despite my prayers and things grow worse and there are threats of danger.  Yet I can look around me and see God's love shine brightly and know that even if I'm not in control, God is.  He is here and I know that he has only what is good in store for me - that all he gives me will be gifts and grace and he will work everything out for my good.

And so I am free.  Free to let go of the fears.  Free to let the plans fall as they may and just hold on tight to God's goodness.  Free to experience joy instead of trembling in darkness.  So, today I count gifts.  I record the little glimpses of God's love all around me and offer thanks for them:

Thank you, God, for:
(Starting with today's gifts)
270.  pictures of baby we'll see today.
271.  everything that is going just right.
272.  the way boys grow and even though it can break my heart to see them no longer babies, it can delight to watch them get so big.
273.  Cap's little button nose and those eyelashes resting on his cheeks that remind me that 5 is still little.
274.  a doctor that inspires my trust.
275.  the way tears can bring those endorphins that make it hurt a little less.
276.  the generosity and help of so many.
277.  friends who love me enough they'll even clean my house if I need it.
278.  the patience of nurses.
279.  access to all the water I need.
280.  pigeons pecking outside the hospital window.
281.  the carpet being in and the boys in their room just in time!
282.  a husband who brings me what I ask for.
283.  a husband who brings me flowers from our yard.
284.  a husband who would even put a dandelion in a vase.
285.  a husband who could make me smile by bringing baby's toy monkey for me to cuddle.
286.  pictures of my three little ones all lined up on the tray by the bed.
287.  a doctor who sits right down to chat.
288.  a doctor who knows I'd be more comfortable at home and thinks that's what's best.
289.  getting to go home and take my boys with me!
290.  little boys wrestling and chasing and using up the energy I can't spend.
291.  prayers surrounding
292.  the way words make thought clear and heal hurts.
293.  Jeff taking such good care of the work I can't do.
294.  hugs from nurses.
295.  the fact that cuddles and conversation and stories are part of a mommy's job and I can still do those!
296.  the way sinks will clog and messes will be made and there will be way too much to do at all the wrong times, but it will still be ok.
297.  the secret of contentment - Philippians 4:11-13

(and backtracking to count the gifts not yet typed out:)

Thank you God for:
144-188
189.  Cap figuring out how to write my name all on his own.
190.  the way he always wants to be Luigi - putting others first while so young.
191.  pastel heart candy in the frilly crystal dish - the one he insisted I keep because it's dainty & beautiful & he knows those things can inspire joy.
192.  the bold way Grandma will come right out and ask where we stand with God.
193.  them eating their fill of good food.
194.  reminders of the responsibility to teach them to share with those who don't have.
195.  pretty journal full of neat words resting on top of a messy scrawled to-do list - a visual reminder of how he gives me all this joy from  the work he has called me to.
196.  a time for work and a time for rest.
197.  order coming slow but sure from chaos.
198.  motivation and energy to get stuff done.
199.  floors all mopped clean.
200.  the way he points out to his son how hard I worked.
201.  home lights burning brightly
202.  talking on the phone with Captain Silly Wiggles.
203.  time to create.
204.  the boys calling me "mother".
205.  remembering how Cap would ask for a song at bedtime in the old house.
206.  getting to meet Jeff for lunch.
207.  seeing those blue eyes across from me in the middle of the day.
208.  sitting long at the table with my little guys.
209.  the way Skidamarink says "munner" instead of "mother".
210.  how much they miss their Daddy when he's not there.
211.  Skid running into our room first thing in the morning, book in hand.
212.  warm weather.
213.  snacks for the park.
214.  picnics.
215.  watching them run and chase each other.
216.  the way Skid kept looking over his shoulder to make sure I was watching.
217.  meeting Daddy at the park.
218.  watching the three of them play so rough-and-tumble.
219.  the way sometimes Daddy-rules are different from Mommy-rules.
220.  that I get to go home to them.
221.  that he fell where he did and not a half inch closer to the table.
222.  time to just be silly.
223.  baby waking me up with her dancing at 2 am.
224.  knowing that in a matter of weeks when she wakes me up at 2 am, I'll get to hold her in my arms and kiss her cheek.
225.  Skid joining in to sing hymns & retelling the stories he is learning about Jesus.
226.  a time to teach & a table full of students.
227.  little boys sharing what is left of my lap.
228.  Ben spotting a cardinal on his own & pointing it out to us.
229.  a healthy boy who will get the hang of this potty-training thing.
230.  success & jellybeans.
231.  Skid finally getting it!
232.  little hands on my face.
233.  Cap so proud to help in the kitchen.
234.  the way work brings extra joy when it is shared.
235.  two whole days with my niece & nephew.
236.  baby smiles.
237.  Cap thinking of things to teach Skid.
238.  the way the boys love their cousins.
239.  big little guy cuddling that baby girl.
240.  eyes to see the glory.
241.  little green shoots in the yard.
242.  anticipation of discovering what spring holds in this new place.
243.  conversations with a 4 year-old about seeing God's love. 
244. a full table during Sunday School.
245.  bare trees standing black sillhoette against purple-orange sunset.
246.  hearing the phone ring and knowing it's Jeff calling to say he's heading home.
247.  being just plain silly together.
248.  green paint on our noses.
249.  little handprints marking freshly painted surfaces.
250.  the joy of exploring.
251.  pirates in the backyard.
252.  pirates in the car on the way to the grocery store.
253.  kid-sized imaginations.
254.  time with friends.
255.  the opportunity to hear the God-stories of others.
256.  wise words.
257.  a friend so willing to help.
258.  long phone call with my boys.
259.  friends with refridgerator rights.
260.  hard honesty.
261.  conviction.
262.  your faithfulness to answer prayer.
263.  baby girl kicking my arm as I write.
264.  knowing not to worry.
265.  Cap finding his first toad at "the farm".
266.  the carpet fresh laid.
267.  feeling the discontent rise and knowing it doesn't have to control.
268.  things going oh-so-wrong when brothers fight and how it's really an opportunity to teach the things of God.
269.  freedom not to hurry.

February Joy

...or on Fridays. :)

Taking the Joy Dare from A Holy Experience:  writing down three gifts each day for a year.

January's Joy
During the month of February:
1.  a gift found at 11:30 am, at 2:30 pm, at 6:30 pm
the man who shared a dollar & a blessing with each of my boys * the man who passed along his grocery cart * time to all cuddle up and read
2.  3 things overheard today, all gifts
 boys & their Dad playing early in the morning * man at the store getting a chuckle out of Cap bossing Skidamarink * Cap comforting Skidamarink when he needed it
3.  3 gifts found in writing
all those words printed out and arranged for Momma's birthday * the boys not even needing to read the words of those familiar stories * writing letters as he sounds out words
4.  3 gifts found when bent down
little hand on my cheek when I bent to talk * faint little milk mustache * the wonder of a blanket fort
5.  one gift stitched, one hammered, one woven
the red shirt that brings out bright blue eyes * all that work he's doing upstairs * my great-great-grandmother's bedspread
6.  3 gifts found outside
frost hanging from trees * him so big he can run to the house by himself * all those stars we can see in the country sky
7.  3 gifts red
 little heads resting on bring red pillowcases * red stitching on my journal * red scarves on the penguins both the boys play with
8.  a gift broken, a gift fixed, a gift thrifted
the cross with my name that waits for glue * pages taped together in books well-loved * a crib for our girl?
9. 3 gifts that were surprises - unexpected grace!
Grandma & Grandpa stopping by * delight at videos of penguin antics * how thrilled they were with their art work
10.  3 times you heard laughter today
Skidamarink laughing while he plays with his Dad * us all laughing together over a movie * giggles while they ride the Daddy horse
11.  3 gifts found in working
the joy Cap has in getting to do real work * that my work is drying tears & explaining mysteries * the spoils of my labor - dishes to eat on, clothes to wear, places to play
12.  3 hard eucharisteos
discomfort & pain that means baby is growing & my body is fighting illness * their grace & forgiveness when I'm so grumpy * taking time to rest when I need to work
13.  3 gifts found behind a door today
Grandparents ready to love little ones * a room full of 4 year-olds full of joy * cupboards & refridgerators stocked with food to help me show them love
14.  3 ways you feel the love of God
adundance of gifts coming so fast I can't keep track * stopping to look at the way He redeems my captive places through marriage * feeling all these little ones around & inside & knowing He uses me
15.  a gift in losing something, in finding something, in making something
losing track of time in the company of dear ones * books to teach him in the right ways * plans for next year, crafter with care
16.  3 gifts in shadows
the way the shadows are unseen  until the sun comes out & throws all into contrast * spiritual truths from natural laws * the way they lengthen as the sun sets
17.  3 gifts in giving/serving
providing a clean place to play & relax & just be * the way hugs & kisses can count * joy in serving - even when it's not what I want
18.  3 gifts on paper
the power of making lists of all sorts * scratchy little letters while he's learning * seeing that love note on my table
19.  3 gifts that were Plan B's
staying home when we were supposed to be out * digging into "school" stuff early because he just can't wait * helping Jeff get work done
20.  a gift at breakfast, lunch, dinner
everyone up before Daddy left * working through tears & seizing those teachable moments * Jeff home to eat with us even though he had to travel far
21.  3 gifts white
bubble bath beards * the milk spilled & the extra milk bought * him all cuddled up in that white blanket asleep on my lap
22.  3 gifts that changed today
bad attitudes changing for the better * hours on the clock changing to bring him closer to home * tires changed and men who stand up for me
23.  a gift of tin, of glass, of wood
plant markers waiting for spring * sticks in the vase, filling with paper as we count the days of lent * that big window to look out
24.  3 gifts before 11 am
everyone up so early again * beautiful morning drive * time with just the little guy
25.  a gift nearly worn out, a gift new, a gift made-do
paper cutter, falling to pieces from projects past * pink sparkly baby shoes * an improvised lunch
26.  3 gifts seen as reflections
little boy on tiptoes brushing his teeth * words about trust to reflect on * sunlight reflected from Jupiter & Venus
27.  3 ugly-beautiful gifts (see beauty in ugly)
carpet dingy from house rennovations * the way they learn through tough mistakes * grocery store fights & the grace to make something of them
28.  3 gifts from the past - that help you trust the future
despite problems before, the babies were born healthy * God has provided in tougher times * knowledge that my certainty on the future isn't what's important
29.  a gift dull, a gift shimmering, a gift cleaned
worn out old books passed down * bright little eyes * house all picked up

Counting on...

Thank you, God, for:

113-143.

144. their delight in blueberries.

145. polite words. 

146.  Skidamarink beating me to the punch with "I love you!"

147.  Cap's spontaneous "I love you, brother!"

148.  that there is so much love!

149.  teeny-tiny baby socks

150.  three little sets of laundry to put away.

151.  Cap's joy in teaching his brother.

152.  young superheroes on a mission to pick up toys.

153.  a day at the playground.

154.  windows open in February.

155.  the way he helps uncomplaining.

156.  the way Skid's silly little song cheers me. ("On top of spaghetti all covered with cheese...")

157.  the way you use them to bless me - pulling me gently back when I give in to the worst parts of me.

158.  that I get to put them in jammies & tuck them in bed.

159.  that learning is play and they're so happy to play with letters & words & sounds all on their own.

160.  happy high-pitched little voices.

161.  the way Cap insisted we all give Valentines to each other - even to his unborn sister.

162.  the fun they are having making for others.

163.  unexpected positive response.

164.  his happy announcement that the grass is all covered up with snow.

165.  waking up with a love letter.

166.  smiles and excitement as the boys give and recieve homemade gifts of love.

167.  Skid knowing it's his baby sister's heart he hears at the Doctor's office.

168.  her heart beating strongly and her movements always stretching.

169.  the knowledge that there is no room for fear, even though I am measuring small.

170.  pictures of our baby girl in 2 weeks.

171.  dessert first.

172.  grace at the library - disappearing fine.

173.  the joy of sharing books together.

174.  finding my favorite kid's book (The Tale of Three Trees) in the free pile - a gift to share with a loved one.

175.  the joy of making food for my family.

176.  these people I can be so at ease with.

177.  his hug for his brother & the way he keeps on telling him how much he loves.

178.  little ones, wonder-filled, looking at snow.

179.  words to express my love.

180.  little boy telling me: "God love you, Mom!"

181.  the evidence in their play that they know they are loved.

182.  the way they play with the baby & adult animal set & how they've decided that all of the adults are daddies - a sign that their own Dad takes good care of them.

183.  Skidamarink's new word: "family" and everything about the way he says it.

184.  the cheese-toastie he made me - him taking time out of all he needed to do just to take care of me.

185.  grace for all the things undone & patience with my exhaustion even though it affects them.

186.  the ironic way that wiping snotty noses can bless - "teach me to run to you like they run to me for every little thing".

187.  the way once I start counting the gratitude just keeps pouring out.

188. the way they are using all of the stickers we gave them for Valentines day to make something for their Dad.

January Joy

Taking the Joy Dare from A Holy Experience.  Three gifts for each day for one year:

During the month of January:
1.  Three things about yourself that you are grateful for:
      that I get to be mother to these young ones * that I get to be wife to this husband * that He goes  with me.
2.  a gift outside, inside, on a plate: 
     cardinals playing in the yard * sweet baby niece all swaddled up * carrots from the garden roasting with dinner
3.  3 lines you overheard that were graces: 
     blood tests look good * "You're my best friend" * "Aunt Amanda"
4.  one gift old, new & blue: 
     van that's in the shop - a gift from family * my new cricut and new creative ideas * our wedding quilt - pieced and quilted by hand by very dear ones
5.  something you're reading, you're making, you're seeing: 
     Jane Austen Made Me Do It * projects for the kids' bathroom * trees all around
6.  one thing in your bag, your fridge, your heart:
    camera to capture moments * milk for my growing men * love for my best friend
7.  3 graces from people you love: 
    Jeff putting up with my craziness* Skid cuddling with his cousin * Cap watching out for the younger ones
8.  light that caught you, a reflection that surprised you, a shadow that fell lovely:
     steam turned purple in the sunrise * glass chunk mountain glittering * bright sunlight interrupted by "the broken house" (what Skid calls the dilapidated barn)
9.  a gift in your hand, a gift you walked by, a gift you sat with: 
    the ring on my finger - reminder that our love is a promise * precious boy falling asleep on the floor * his head resting on my shoulder as we sit together for lunch
10.  a gift that's sour, a gift that's sweet, a gift that's just right: 
     diapers to catch the stinky stuff * my nephew's adorable laugh * Skid singing "I can love because God loves me" as he lays in bed
11.  3 yellow things that strike you as fresh mercy: 
       sun shining unseen, keeping us warm in all this rain * yellow juice dripping from fresh oranges from Florida * lines painted & roadside signs providing guidance
12.  something above you, something below you, something beside you:
      snow falling - first of the season*  tiny bootprints and snow angels * red-cheeked men, big & little drinking hot cocoa around the table
13.  3 sounds you hear: 
      young ones leading us in spontaneous praises at the table * his absent-minded beating out of rythms * boys playing with their grandparents
14.  3 ways you glimpsed the startling grace of God:
      everything is ok even in the most down-hearted moments * love poured out even when I'm ridiculous * an invitation when I felt friend-less
15.  one thing you wore, one thing you gave away, one thing you shared: 
      pink burp rag on my shoulder * time preparing for a spur-of-the-moment party * yummy food with family and friends
16.  3 ways you witnessed happiness today: 
      son cheering on his father * boys falling asleep together on the couch * relaxing together in our jammies all day long
17.  one gift that made you laugh, one gift that made you pray, one gift that made you quiet:
       little guys chasing each other around the house * time to stroke the blonde hair in my lap * big responsibility and honor in cleaning little faces
18.  3 gifts from God's word:
      "Do not fear, for I am with you." Isaiah 41:10 * "God is love." 1 John 4:8b * "When I consider the heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him...?" Psalm 8:3
19.   a grace in the kitchen, a grace in the weather, a grace that might never have been:
      a quiet kitchen from a day of celebration * dry weather when it's this cold * time for a friend to visit
20.    3 gifts you saw only when you got close-up:
     familiar words I could have skimmed over which led me to a feast * tiny seeds in a tiny hand * saucer under a tea cup - act of love
21.    one thing in the sky, one thing from your memory, on thing that's ugly-beautiful:
     geese flying overhead & Skid yelling hello * remembering them all so tiny as we look through baby clothes * stains on little outfits that tell stories
22.  one grace wrinkled, one grace smoothed, one grace unfolded:
      that newborn skin I'll cuddle soon * pages of my Bible * blankets to keep us warm
23.   3 gifts found in Christ:
      brother love * shepherd love * sacrificing love
24.   3 things blue:
     deep blue of their eyes * blue flakes of plaster cleaned off walls in preparation for rennovation * artwork he is so proud of on the fridge
25.   one grace borrowed, one grace found, one grace inherited:
     clothes for our girl, pre-loaded with memories * some thing to make them feel special * my Grandma's familiar phrases coming from my mouth
26.  a gift before nine am, a gift before noon, a gift after dark:
    extra rest while he takes care of things * time at the table with my Bible, journal & a cup of hot tea * sitting around the table with the girls
27.    3 gifts that might never have been:
     lots of quiet time to write * confirmation that we made the right choice * tent in the living room
28.    3 graces found in your friends:
       always eager to help * generous gifts * that they came down to spend the day with us
29.    a song heard, a soft word, where you saw light:
    little boys singing letter sounds * whispers and sighs to my new baby niece * sun streaming in windows
30.    3 old things seen new:
  old song sung today as a prayer just for him * the green frog in our tub - silly little reminder of our wedding night * new delight as his brother teaches him an old game
31.  a gift found on paper, in a person, in a picture:
      reminder that the next time I hear baby's heart will be Valentine's Day * Sunday School teacher concerned she hasn't seen us * picture of the boys similing together over a year ago

Seeing the Glory

And all of us, with unveiled faces, seeing the glory of the Lord as though reflected in a mirror, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another; for this comes from the Lord, the Spirit.

- 2 Corinthians 3:18

In giving thanks, what are we doing but stopping to see the glory of God that is evidenced all around us.  As we stop to notice the work of God around us and to offer up our thankgiving and wonder doesn't he transform us? Our gift of thanks to him, his gift of new life to us.

Thank you, God, for...

68-112

113.  first seeds sprouting.

114.  Cap talking to his baby sister - tickling my tummy as he talks through me.

115.  holey-kneed jeans - the evidence of hard play.

116.  provision for new jeans when we need them.

117.  food in the cabinets and that my family's cries of hunger are always met.

118.  the gift of all we need and more.

119.  Skid falling asleep in his great-grandma's lap.

120.  the boys riding on my Grandpa's lap, making circles in the wheel-chair.

121.  memories of riding on my Uncle's lap in his wheel-chair.

122.  that growly voice Skid uses when he makes his toys talk.

123.  all that time to pray for her while I sort and fold and paint for her.

124.  the way they play together.

125.  that he gets to build for her just like he built for them.

126.  Cap so eager to help his Daddy build.

127.  that all we have to do is "cry out to Jesus"

128.  lessons in story-form - parables and children's books.

129.  getting lost in 2 Corinthians and reading longer than I realized.

130.  snoozing little boy.

131.  crazy baby gymnastics - even when they prevent sleep.

132.  freedom from worry about how he will learn.

133.  confidence and, finally, a decision.

134.  the way Skid says "too-mon-oh" instead of tomorrow.

135.  extra time with my adorable nephew.

136.  the delightful wonder of blanket forts.

137.  the joy of listening to scripture as we drive.

138.  beautiful, spring-like days at the end of January.

139.  more peace when there is normally stress.

140.  cuddling up and reading.

141.  them running to grab more and more books.

142.  the priviledge of having time to learn to read.

143.  finding long-lost library books.

Over and Over Again

This list is so repetitious.  Time and again I find myself writing the same thanks.  Nearly every morning those cold little toes climb into bed with us and I can't help but be thankful.  Each time I look out my windows I find the beauty staggering and I must give thanks. 

The thing is, I know that the day will come when those little ones won't come running and clambering into our bed.  In a few months tall rows of corn will prevent us seeing for miles.  I know there will be a time when the gifts I receive in this season will come to an end.  I am confident that they will be replaced by other gifts - other glimpses of God's goodness specific to the seasons that lay ahead.  Still, it's bittersweet to think that these days won't last forever. 

I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.  John 10:10b

I have to wonder if this practice of thanksgiving isn't part of the key to recieving that full measure of life.  Maybe, in part Jesus gives us life abundant and joy to the full when he awakens us to the beauty of the moment and inspires the giving of thanks.  We stop to fully recieve the gift, to express gratitude for each evidence of God's abundant love for us.  And maybe it's a little more ok, a little less bittersweet to realize that this too - even these perfect little moments - will pass, because by stopping to offer back our thanks we experience so much more of the gift than if we just let the moment pass.  And because we know with each sign of God's love that gifts beyond imagine are heading our way.

Thank you, God, for...

1-67

68.  The water dripping like diamonds  in the sun from the leaky faucet.

69.  A husband who points out leaky faucet diamonds to me.

70.  Beautiful country views out of every window.

71.  Boys climbing in bed in the morning to cuddle.

72.  Such soft little cheeks to nuzzle & kiss.

73.  Fog rolling over empty fields.

74.  Seriously - these views! Breathtaking beauty with every glimpse out the window.

75.  Plans for Spring and seed cataloges.

76.  Kisses on top of her two-week-old head - my newborn niece.

77.  The cradle in our room, full of sweet little things for our newest little love.

78.  Brothers giving hugs.

79.  Cap's eyes sparkling as he laughs.

80.  Skidamarink just wanting to sit together.

81.  The chance to wash the tomato soup from their faces - everyday priviledge.

82.  Time to sit and talk at the table.

83.  An early morning conversation with my Grandpa.

84.  Sunlight slanting across the yard.

85.  Time alone to plan for my loves.

86.  A little man so happy to see me.

87.  Chasing him to wash the sticky face and collapsing in giggles.

88.  Cap catching me by surprise from his hiding place and even more giggles.

89.  Pink, purple, blue & white mingled in the sky.

90.  That they come to me for comfort.

91.  The joy of being held close.

92.  That I am loved.

93.  My amazing Grandmother.

94.  Rest at the end of the day when all the work is done.

95.  Good conversations with good friends.

96.  Car ride conversation.

97.  The reminder that Jesus is all we need.

98.  Stopping to read words I normally would skim.

99.  Time spent just with Skid.

100.  A boy who seeks out ways to bless others.

101.  Work to do in preparation for our baby girl.

102.  Jabs in the ribs reminding me she's here.

103.  That he takes care of me when I don't feel well.

104.  Him paying attention to things he doesn't care about just to bless me.

105.  The reminder that your generosity knows no limits - we will always have more than enough.

106.  His prayers for his brother's health and safety.

107.  His reliance on the truth of the resurrection.

108.  That I can give thanks over and over for the exact same things.

109.  That our boys are such good friends.

110.  The overwhelming excitement that she will be here so soon - just 13 more weeks!

111.  The scratchy-soft feling of my great-great-grandma's blanket.

112.  A warm and cozy bed.

A Thankful Heart is a Happy Heart

The song from Madame Blueberry is running through my head right now.  It makes sense.  A thankful heart is a happy heart.  When we stop to realize all we have to be thankful for, it's hard to grumble. And the truth is that in Christ we are called to give thanks in all things.  (Ephesians 5:20) I've often heard a very good friend a pastor say that the most important thing we can say to God is "Thank you!"

A few months ago I ran across a book that I felt compelled to read.  One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp was not quite what I was expecting.  I was ready for a light read that made me think a little, but instead I found words that, within just a few pages, had me in tears.  Stories of hurt and anguish and how giving thanks in all circumstances heals wounds and brings us close to God.  I knew that "every good and perfect gift is from above" (James 1:17) and I see a whole lot of the good mixed in with the ugly of this world.  I know that the little beauties of daily life are gifts from a loving God.  What I didn't stop to consider was that I could say thank you for each of them.  What would it look like if I stopped to really notice the evidence of God's love that shines all around me in the gifts he has given?  What would change in me if I stopped to give thanks particularly in those moments when I least felt like giving thanks?  If I thanked God for blessings while boys are knocking each other down and when we are running late and when everything seems to be going wrong?

So, I took up Ann's challenge.  I'm keeping my list. Honestly, most of my thanks don't get written down in my book (largely because I'm a weirdo about actually writing things down.  I want my book to be pretty and my writing to be neat and to always use the exact same pen, so my journal stays in one place and gets added to when I'm close to it.)  I started writing my thanks sometime in late October.  Here is the beginning to my list of thanks:

Thank you, God, for...
1.  Little boy feet pounding down wooden stairs.
2.  Toes fresh from the bath that are clean enough to kiss.
3.  Skidamarink holding me tight and tickling my neck with his words: "You are the best mom!"
4.  Fuzzy, warm slippers and steaming cups of tea.
5.  Holy, indecipherable prayers from two-year-old lips.
6.  Breakfast table worship songs.
7.  The way bad memories can turn good.
8.  Brothers holding hands.
9.  Blonde heads in my lap.
10.  Cap helping Skid put on socks and shoes.
11.  Grandparents.
12.  The bright colors of Fall.
13.  Little guys dressed as farmers.
14.  Eyes the same color as his Daddy's.
15.  Strong arms.
16.  Early morning cuddle time.
17.  "I love you" ' s all around.
18.  Long mornings cuddling in pajamas.
19.  Baby kicks.
20.  The chance to bless others.
21.  How hard he works for us.
22.  Everyday Easters and four-year-old proclamations that "He is risen!"
23.  Roads that take us to loved ones.
24.  All the shades of green and brown and the way dirt and decaying plant matter can be beautiful.
25.  Morning sickness and back pain and other signs of new life.
26.  Happy noise.
27.  Generosity of friends.
28.  Food on our table.
29.  Puffy white on a field of blue.
30.  That either way we'll have a home. (When we weren't sure if our new home purchase was going to happen or not.)
31.  Every moment on the computer means that he doesn't have to be far from home. (My husband is a seminary student taking online classes.)
32.  That you are with us in the waiting.
33.  Smiling eyes.
34.  The sound of baby's heart.
35.  The way even the smallest can bless.
36.  Running water.
37.  That I get to share the daylight with my kids.
38.  That he takes care of the mouse traps.
39.  A warm home and hot drinks.
40.  Kids wearing halloween costumes in Advent.
41.  Grace to forgive when I don't want to give thanks.
42.  Christmas lights.
43.  Snuggling in front of the tree.
44.  Grace to show me my sins.
45.  The ability to give.
46.  Wrapping presents.
47.  A day all together.
48.  Your perfect timing.
49.  Employment.
50.  Our little girl!
51.  Hot chocolate mustaches.
52.  Baking cookies with  my boys.
53.  That they are still little for now.
54.  Little boy excitement for Christmas traditions.
55.  Conversations in the car.
56.  That he's willing to come all that way every night.   (When Jeff had to travel for work.)
57.  Lessons about waiting.
58.  For the gentle way You teach through children.
59.  Encouraging words.
60.  Harsh words in scripture - full of love.
61.  Heavy responsibilities - living epistles.
62.  The knowledge that Jesus carries my load - I can't, but he can.
63.  Pizza - so I can rest and have a minute to recoop.
64.  Sunrise over harvested fields seen through big picture windows.
65.  Little boys who want to be my heroes.
66.  The excitement of little boys' first "I did it!" 's.
67.  Coming home to a house full of love.