"'And you've quite given [writing] up?' asked Christine.
'Not altogether...but I'm writing living epistles now,' said Anne, thinking of Jem and Co."
- Anne of Ingleside, L.M. Montgomery


3.21.2012

All of My Best Plans

The fear sets in when the plans come crashing down.  When I prepare and plan and give all my best effort to getting my ducks in a row only to watch those plans fail.  Sometimes everything comes to a halt and there is absolutely nothing left but to wait.  I can't help but laugh a little at the way it keeps happening - the way all the work comes to a sudden end when so much is undone and the waiting sets in and I must learn this lesson all over.

It happened a few months ago.  We set aside the packing for praying.  For two weeks we prayed that God's will be done while we waited for the moment we would know if we were moving or not.  For two weeks we knew that we probably wouldn't get an answer until moments before it was time to act.  The moment came and we went downtown to sign contracts on the house God said yes to while friends and family picked up where the packing had left off.  And we moved that very night.

It's happening again today.  This nesting momma has been given orders not to nest.  It's time to wait.  The not-knowing gnaws.  Baby's heart beats irregular and we wait for answers.  Fluid levels drop and we don't know if it means she'll be here too early or if she'll be here in a few weeks or if she'll stay and grow until the time we were expecting her. 

And the truth is we're just not ready.  The bags aren't packed and the clothes aren't put away.  The cars aren't fixed and the carseat sits in the house.  We haven't bought a crib and are probably expecting a baby that won't fit into a stitch of clothing we have for her.  And my orders are to sit and wait and not do anything.

It can overwhelm so easy.  My plan A comes crashing down when the doctor says "soon" and I make a plan B and watch while it too nose-dives when I hear of specialists and hospital stays.  Everything spins and the only thing that is clear is that I'm not in control and that I won't be in control. 

The fears threaten to well up when the best laid plans crumble.  I know the what-ifs can strangle if I let them.  So I take time to count joy.  I sit all day in that hospital bed knowing that it's not the magazines or the television I need to distract me from worry.  If I seek distraction those fears will still eat their way in.  What I need is eyes to see.  The only way for me to fight the fear that comes with the unknown in the middle of my crumbling plans and spinning world is to taste and see the goodness of God that is surrounding me and even sustaining me in the middle of the chaos.

This storm, it isn't calming yet and her heart keeps skipping beats despite my prayers and things grow worse and there are threats of danger.  Yet I can look around me and see God's love shine brightly and know that even if I'm not in control, God is.  He is here and I know that he has only what is good in store for me - that all he gives me will be gifts and grace and he will work everything out for my good.

And so I am free.  Free to let go of the fears.  Free to let the plans fall as they may and just hold on tight to God's goodness.  Free to experience joy instead of trembling in darkness.  So, today I count gifts.  I record the little glimpses of God's love all around me and offer thanks for them:

Thank you, God, for:
(Starting with today's gifts)
270.  pictures of baby we'll see today.
271.  everything that is going just right.
272.  the way boys grow and even though it can break my heart to see them no longer babies, it can delight to watch them get so big.
273.  Cap's little button nose and those eyelashes resting on his cheeks that remind me that 5 is still little.
274.  a doctor that inspires my trust.
275.  the way tears can bring those endorphins that make it hurt a little less.
276.  the generosity and help of so many.
277.  friends who love me enough they'll even clean my house if I need it.
278.  the patience of nurses.
279.  access to all the water I need.
280.  pigeons pecking outside the hospital window.
281.  the carpet being in and the boys in their room just in time!
282.  a husband who brings me what I ask for.
283.  a husband who brings me flowers from our yard.
284.  a husband who would even put a dandelion in a vase.
285.  a husband who could make me smile by bringing baby's toy monkey for me to cuddle.
286.  pictures of my three little ones all lined up on the tray by the bed.
287.  a doctor who sits right down to chat.
288.  a doctor who knows I'd be more comfortable at home and thinks that's what's best.
289.  getting to go home and take my boys with me!
290.  little boys wrestling and chasing and using up the energy I can't spend.
291.  prayers surrounding
292.  the way words make thought clear and heal hurts.
293.  Jeff taking such good care of the work I can't do.
294.  hugs from nurses.
295.  the fact that cuddles and conversation and stories are part of a mommy's job and I can still do those!
296.  the way sinks will clog and messes will be made and there will be way too much to do at all the wrong times, but it will still be ok.
297.  the secret of contentment - Philippians 4:11-13

(and backtracking to count the gifts not yet typed out:)

Thank you God for:
144-188
189.  Cap figuring out how to write my name all on his own.
190.  the way he always wants to be Luigi - putting others first while so young.
191.  pastel heart candy in the frilly crystal dish - the one he insisted I keep because it's dainty & beautiful & he knows those things can inspire joy.
192.  the bold way Grandma will come right out and ask where we stand with God.
193.  them eating their fill of good food.
194.  reminders of the responsibility to teach them to share with those who don't have.
195.  pretty journal full of neat words resting on top of a messy scrawled to-do list - a visual reminder of how he gives me all this joy from  the work he has called me to.
196.  a time for work and a time for rest.
197.  order coming slow but sure from chaos.
198.  motivation and energy to get stuff done.
199.  floors all mopped clean.
200.  the way he points out to his son how hard I worked.
201.  home lights burning brightly
202.  talking on the phone with Captain Silly Wiggles.
203.  time to create.
204.  the boys calling me "mother".
205.  remembering how Cap would ask for a song at bedtime in the old house.
206.  getting to meet Jeff for lunch.
207.  seeing those blue eyes across from me in the middle of the day.
208.  sitting long at the table with my little guys.
209.  the way Skidamarink says "munner" instead of "mother".
210.  how much they miss their Daddy when he's not there.
211.  Skid running into our room first thing in the morning, book in hand.
212.  warm weather.
213.  snacks for the park.
214.  picnics.
215.  watching them run and chase each other.
216.  the way Skid kept looking over his shoulder to make sure I was watching.
217.  meeting Daddy at the park.
218.  watching the three of them play so rough-and-tumble.
219.  the way sometimes Daddy-rules are different from Mommy-rules.
220.  that I get to go home to them.
221.  that he fell where he did and not a half inch closer to the table.
222.  time to just be silly.
223.  baby waking me up with her dancing at 2 am.
224.  knowing that in a matter of weeks when she wakes me up at 2 am, I'll get to hold her in my arms and kiss her cheek.
225.  Skid joining in to sing hymns & retelling the stories he is learning about Jesus.
226.  a time to teach & a table full of students.
227.  little boys sharing what is left of my lap.
228.  Ben spotting a cardinal on his own & pointing it out to us.
229.  a healthy boy who will get the hang of this potty-training thing.
230.  success & jellybeans.
231.  Skid finally getting it!
232.  little hands on my face.
233.  Cap so proud to help in the kitchen.
234.  the way work brings extra joy when it is shared.
235.  two whole days with my niece & nephew.
236.  baby smiles.
237.  Cap thinking of things to teach Skid.
238.  the way the boys love their cousins.
239.  big little guy cuddling that baby girl.
240.  eyes to see the glory.
241.  little green shoots in the yard.
242.  anticipation of discovering what spring holds in this new place.
243.  conversations with a 4 year-old about seeing God's love. 
244. a full table during Sunday School.
245.  bare trees standing black sillhoette against purple-orange sunset.
246.  hearing the phone ring and knowing it's Jeff calling to say he's heading home.
247.  being just plain silly together.
248.  green paint on our noses.
249.  little handprints marking freshly painted surfaces.
250.  the joy of exploring.
251.  pirates in the backyard.
252.  pirates in the car on the way to the grocery store.
253.  kid-sized imaginations.
254.  time with friends.
255.  the opportunity to hear the God-stories of others.
256.  wise words.
257.  a friend so willing to help.
258.  long phone call with my boys.
259.  friends with refridgerator rights.
260.  hard honesty.
261.  conviction.
262.  your faithfulness to answer prayer.
263.  baby girl kicking my arm as I write.
264.  knowing not to worry.
265.  Cap finding his first toad at "the farm".
266.  the carpet fresh laid.
267.  feeling the discontent rise and knowing it doesn't have to control.
268.  things going oh-so-wrong when brothers fight and how it's really an opportunity to teach the things of God.
269.  freedom not to hurry.

2 comments:

  1. Hi Amanda,
    It's Jill Larson. We met at Dr. Anderson's office...I'm Leslie's friend. She passed on your blog link to me. My family will be praying for you as you await the birth of your little girl. I was so encouraged by what you wrote. I am telling myself the same promises of God. He is good and allows what He does for my good and His glory. I will be praying that you will experience His peace as you cry out to Him. I will be praying for strength for your husband. I will pray for your boys...that they will be able to understand what they need to and will see Jesus as you all walk out this journey.
    P.S. We have 2 and 4 year old boys also!
    P.S.S. We are beginning home-schooling too!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi, Jill! Thanks so much for the encouragement and especially for the prayers. We should really get together sometime and chat. We'll have to introduce you guys to our favorite restaurant sometime. :)

    ReplyDelete