Over and Over Again

Some of my thoughts from back in May about baby girl's health:

It's a lesson God's so patiently repeated to me time and again this month and the last.  I heard it loud and clear on the day they discovered something might be wrong.  For most of the month of March and all of the month of April I struggled with the worry.  The last thing I wanted to hear as a parent was that she wasn't perfectly healthy. 


This little one and I put in a lot of time at the hospital at the end of the pregnancy.  Twice weekly visits to the obstetrician and twice weekly non-stress tests.  Nurses would stand in groups listening to the crazy little beating of her heart.  Amniotic fluid levels were low and the doctor said "bedrest" and "hopefully we can wait until you are 37 weeks".  So we prayed and I rested and I hydrated and I saw the specialist and soon everything looked perfect again.  The doctor said the arrhythmia was "absolutely nothing to be concrned about" and my fluid level soared above where the ob expected and now she was saying "hopefully we can get you to 39 weeks" and we praised God for his faithfulness to answer prayer.

When 38 weeks came the fluid levels dropped again, the doctor said it was time.  She scheduled the induction for the following morning and it was answered prayer in my eyes because I had a feeling she was coming soon and I knew that another doctor would do a c-section.  Our sweet baby girl was born and the doctor made jokes about labor that only lasts 3 hours and delivery that takes only a minute and how next time Jeff could just deliver the baby.  She told me to get a good look and then they rushed her over to the incubator and a whole crew of doctors and nurses who took a good look at her.  She was pretty and pink and perfect and yet that heart still beat out that unusal rhythm.  They ordered an EKG and an echo and told us we'd hear more tomorrow.  And we didn't worry because we were confident that God had already told us she would be fine.

Then Thursday morning brought the pediatrician in and the confidence flew far off. He told us of PDAs and PFOs and frequent PVCs and aortic coarctation.  He told us time would tell and that we needed to watch for the signs that our girl's heart wasn't doing its job.  My tears held off until he left the room and then all I could do was cry and hold my baby and wonder what the future held for her.  All of that knowing what God had spoken was gone and all I could do was worry. 

We could read on her face a much different story than the one I had heard from the doctors. It was the same way when I was pregnant.  The doctors would say something that would bring on the doubt and I would feel her dancing around inside - so strong and extremely active.  And with every movement I heard the message over: "Do not worry."  Now I was holding this baby who was strong and alert and eating so well and everything looked perfect.  And she was speaking with her eyes the same words her Daddy was saying out loud: "Do not worry!"

They said when they sent us home that the arrhythmia was sounding better and that they had high hopes that it would go away on its own.  An appointment was set with a pediatric cardiologist and they sent her home with wires - a portable EKG machine. The machine came off 24 hours later and I was confident again that she would be ok.

Her little life has been like a broken record playing the same tune over and again.  The doctors find something new to worry over and she keeps telling us she's just fine.  Another hospital stay for RSV and she never shows a symptom.  More monitoring of that tiny heart and they say everything looks fine.  We won't know for sure for another month, then another 6 months, but it looks like all is well.  A positive test for Organic Acid Disorder and still she grows and looks so healthy.

This recurring scenario feels a whole lot like God patiently teaching me to trust.  And I can't help but be so grateful for the way he calmly walks me through it all time and again.  The worry springs up and he teaches me again and again, even though this lesson is taking me a lifetime to learn.

The newest update is that the PFO (one of the holes in her heart) is still open, but it's not a big deal - up to 1/4 of the population has a PFO.  The PDA closed! Thank God!  The aortic coarctation was never present - the hospital pediatrician mis-read her chart!  She never showed even the slightest sign of RSV.  The Organic Acid Disorder scare turned out to be nothing at all.  The only thing that has been even the slightest issue was a little bit of acid reflux, which seems to have cleared up.  The PVCs are still present, but only enough to warrant a repeat check in 6 months.  They are far less frequent than they were when she was born.  We have one healthy, happy and extremely content little one on our hands.

Taking the Joy Dare from A Holy Experience: writing down three gifts each day for a year.

January's Joy
February's Joy
March's Joy
During the month of April (an incomplete list, since I was so busy soaking in the joy of a new baby that I forgot to look for all of these specifics):
1.  3 gifts round
white ball of dandelion seeds that delight my boys * candy filling those eggs that wait for Easter joy * sweet little baby cheeks
2. 3 gifts white
new piece of paper all ready for another month's joy * milk mustache * white gravel drive against vibrant green grass
3. 3 gifts surprisingly found
fluid levels even higher * peaceful, quiet lunch * encouragment
4. 3 gifts in His word
living sermons from little ones bringing to mind that we must "become as little children" * conversation with a 4 year-old about Jesus' teaching that "No man can serve two masters" * reading the passion story together , feeling the sorrow and reminding that Sunday is coming!
5.  3 gifts at 11 am, 2 pm, 6 pm
commandments not to worry even when things look bleak * asking forgiveness and recieving grace from little ones * hard eucharisteo - working hard all day and experiencing mess & chaos & disappointment despite it all - yet God is so glorious in all this brokeness!
6. 3 gifts nailed together
nails in the cross and in his hands * nails in the walls holding their pictures and shelves * the screws and nails he drives all day to put food on our table
7. 3 gifts waited for
baby girl * Sunday morning * hearing little voices yell, "Christ is risen, indeed!"
8. 3 gifts rising up
sun rising as I hid eggs in the yard * the overwhelming joy of Christ risen * rows of green shoots in the fields
9. a gift hiding, held, heard
little guy always finding new hiding places * all snuggled up together * hope that we'll be holding her soon
10. 3 gifts opened up
the doctor opening the door to announce it's baby day tomorrow * opening the door to our home where my boys wait for me * opening the menu at our favorite restaurant to celebrate her coming so soon
11. 3 gifts budding/blooming
new little life * pink flowers * surprise lilacs waiting at home
12. 3 gifts worn
my own clothes * dinosaur sticker from Cap on her receiving blanket * precious bow in her hair
13. 3 gifts bright
baby eyes open wide * little boy smiles as they welcome us home * sun peeking through clouds
14. 3 gifts found looking up
her looking up as her brothers smile down on her * rain falling to quench dry earth * no time for looking up when such an amazing gift is lying in our arms
15. a gift in a bag, in a box, in a book
lunch brought by friends * little hospital room that feels so much like a box * him reading for school with her in his arms
16. 3 hard eucharisteos
the not-knowing * blue marker on white carpet * 3 kids by myself with a headache
17. 3 gifts woven together
purple blanket Grandma made for me * pink cardigan passed down * them all cuddled up together
18. 3 gifts inherited
the way she looks just like the boys * long fingers and toes traced back to her great-grandma * generations before who tended their living epistles
19. 3 gifts square
books piled up that the boys are reading to their sister * square pretzels he keeps sneaking off my plate * garden plots laid out
20. a gift stacked, stashed, stilled
books full of baby pictures * plenty of food in the pantry * fears stirring & stilled
21. 3 gifts found in Christ
inheritance of a son * the freedom of being not my own * reminder that he will provide
22. 3 gifts close
little ones held close as we worship * her resting on Grandma's chest * kids all cuddled up on Grandma's lap
23. 3 gifts reflecting
silly boy watching his reflection in the mirror * time to think & new conclusions * beautiful moonlight
24. 3 gifts fragile
tiny little body working just right * tender feelings of little ones * joy shattered by discontent
25. a gift cloth, steel, wood
precious little dress * doorknob turned that's long been still * space in a tree just the right size for sitting
26. 3 gifts moving
three squirmy little ones *
27. 3 gifts "ugly beautiful"
all these emotional growing pains * need fulfilled * dirty mop water - clean floors
28. 3 gifts orange
cheetos on little fingers * carrots-to-be * orange light reflecting
29. 3 gifts in dirt
deep, rich, rain-soaked fields * garden so close to planted * grapes and strawberries planted
30. a gift given, made, sacrificed

Messy Days

Something I wrote back in the middle of May after a really rough day...

There is always joy in motherhood.  But some days can just exhaust.  The days where the almost- 3-year-old runs down a steep hill right next to a road and out of my reach and then runs into a big patch of weeds that very likely contain poison ivy and THEN runs right into the parking lot.  Days when you take 3 young children to the zoo without a stroller.  Days when you have lots of errands to run and a million places to go and it's hot out and everyone is tired.  Days when the almost-3-year-old can't quite make it to the bathroom in time and poops all over the carpet just outside the bathroom door and you clean him up only to find he's no where near clean and you go to put him in the bathtub only to find that it's full of the clothes that you left soaking there last night after they got washed with muddy shoes. Those kinds of days are exhausting.  Those are the days when I feel all used up - like there just isn't any more of me left to give.  Those are the days that I just need to stop and rest.  And yet, they still need and so often there isn't rest.  The 5-year-old puts the flip flops  back on your feet because he wants you to take him outside and that 3-year-old soaking in the bathtub is going to need to be scrubbed and then they'll need attention and dinner and very likely more baths and eventually bedtime will come. 

Right now it all brings to mind just how exhausted Jesus was and yet he saw the crowds and had compassion on them.  He put off his own rest and lovingly met the needs of those who surrounded him.  Oh, Lord.  Give me compassion.  When I just want to scream (or when I actually do scream) remind me that you continually take such breathtaking compassion on me and give me the grace to lovingly look at the mess and put aside my own rest and have the compassion to meet their needs.

What About Grace?

It struck me right away as I was reading: the grace.  The blog post I had read was a little unsettling: a mixture of humor, brutal honesty, some poetic embellishment and lots of vulgarity.  I started reading the comments at the bottom of the post.  They contained a pretty polarized set of accolades and condemnations, interspersed with replies from the blogger.  They were stunningly grace-filled replies, acknowledging the worth and honoring the opinions of people who were basically calling her one of the worst people to ever walk the earth.  These people were angry with her.  Deriding her for her honesty and scolding her for her actions and calling her ignorant.  Most of them didn't get the point of what she had written and some understood, but disagreed.  The comments were nasty.  She could have ignored them.  She could have deleted them.  She could have stood up to them in self-defense.  She could have mocked them for completely missing the  point she was trying to convey.  But she didn't.  She responded to each of these comments with humility, admitting her opinions could be wrong and gently saying that she was just trying to be honest.  She responded with grace, speaking politely and kindly to every person who belittled her. 

It bothered me to read the screen names.  People who were claiming the name of Christ in their online identity were visciously attacking this woman and she, an avowed seeker, was the one offering them grace.  I couldn't get it out of my head.  And that Sunday we sang "They'll Know We Are Christians By Our Love."  And I wanted so badly to get on my knees and confess that what we are doing is so wrong.  Because, honestly, where is the love?

I really get it.  It's complicated.  And I'm so guilty of it too.  My convictions are strong.  I know right from wrong.  And it's hard to live in a culture that keeps turning things upside down and saying that wrong is right and right is wrong.  It's difficult to watch as cultural Christianity gets washed away and our world seems to set up shop against the cores of my belief.  All of a sudden we're not the majority any more and, instead, we're the weird ones.  There's an impulse to fight, to get angry, to lash out, to guard our territory.  And maybe there's some validity in that.  It can terrify to consider the reality of living and raising children in such a mixed up world and I wonder if sometimes it isn't fear that drives us.  And it's a lesson we have to keep relearning - that fear is the wrong motivator; that there is no room for fear.  At any rate,  I'm pretty sure we're using the wrong weapons of war.

Our culture changes and sin becomes more and more blatant and mixed up people in a mixed up world are unrepentant.  And in our eagerness to stand up against what we know to be wrong, I'm afraid that we dehumanize.  It's like all we can see is the sin.  And we react with disgust to what is wrong in our world and we lash out against it.  And who wants to be drawn in to something that seems to be always attacking, always disgusted, always condemning?

Our vision is so poor without aid.  Don't we know that we once were a people who could not see and our God stepped in to give us sight when we were blind?  He has offered us these lenses that allow us to see the reality of our world.  And we are so very fond of the side of the specs that makes clear what is righteous.  We have the ability to see with such clarity the right contrasted with the wrong, the sin in opposition to the holy.  But, so often, we seem to close our eyes to grace and to love.  We can see that people are doing wrong, but what we seem unable to see is that they are people.  The truth is, whether we acknowledge it or not, we are all created by God and we are all loved by God.  We were all made good and we all fell so, so short.  Not only is my unChristian neighbor unrighteous, I'm unrighteous too.  And every good thing I ever did, every good thing I ever am is only by God's grace.

What is it that attracts us to Jesus?  What made the Samaritan woman at the well go running?  Yes, he knows our sin (Come and see a man who told me everything I have ever done! John 4:29a).  Yet, still he looks on us with love, offering us this unspeakable gift of life that overcomes death.  In all his righteousness, he doesn't turn his eyes from our filth in disgust.  He opens his arms to gather us in, sin-stained and broken as we are, and he promises to re-make us, new and fresh and perfect.  It's his overwhelming righteousness mixed with his overwhelming love for us that makes Jesus so hard to resist.  It's grace that draws us in and sends us running out to tell.  Here is a man who can tell me everything I've ever done and who loves me anyway.  Here is a man who knows exactly how depraved I am and he offers me freedom and friendship and even kinship.  We know from a young age that if we let our real selves show, we open ourselves up to shame and a whole lot of loneliness. Who could love us if they really knew who we are?  But this man who knows it all, this man who has seen every secret sin, who knows the real state of our heart, who has such a better picture of our true identity- he is willing to put his arm on our shoulder and offer to take us home, make us part of his family.  Knowing all, he offers the antidote to shame and lonliness. It's grace that draws us out of the dark corner we've been trying to hide in.  It's grace that makes it ok to admit that we're broken.  It's grace that leads us on the road to who we were meant to be all along.

How can we, who are so dependent on grace, forget to show it to the people around us?  How can we get so wrapped up in the sin we see around us that we forget that the people underneath that sin are no different from us?  Isn't sin the robe we wore of our own choice before we encountered grace and let Jesus change our clothes? And aren't those clothes supposed to include compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience and love? (Colossians 3:12)   How can we not show them grace?  Why is it that our first response is to stand up and point fingers and deride and attack and name-call when we see sin in the world? 

He has shown you, O man what is good. 
He gave us vision when we were blind.
And what does the Lord require of you? 
To act justly...
yes, but also
...to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God. 
bold print from Micah 6:8

The truth is that God had mercy on us.  The God, for whom nothing is impossible, saw us, who are unlovable, and loved us anyway.  Grace.  We cannot forget that.  We cannot get so wrapped up in holiness that is given to us freely, a new robe to replace the old one,  that we forget that we are only good with God's help.  How wrong is it for us, children born new of grace, to let our actions towards others be so full of hatred, so ungraceful?

It's not to say the we let sin go unchecked, that we never stand up to wrong.  Justice is a part of the package and it is not grace-full to let wrong present itself as right.  But I think our response has to be different.  If we have been given eyes to see the reality, don't we know that hatred and disgust and shame and ridicule don't win the day?  Love does.  Grace does.  Grace that sees the wrong and still finds a way to love. ("True love invites and helps the beloved to become the best the beloved can be. Anything less is selfish affection."- the words of my  husband, Jeff) The truth is, we all know we're not quite right.  What we need to know is that, somehow, someone can love us even when they really know us.  That's what changes things and that is exactly what we have to offer.  Grace.

Welcoming our Girl!

She'll be three weeks old tomorrow. Our sweet little girl was born Wednesday, April 11, 2012 at 10:42 am. She was 5 lbs. 15 oz. and 19 inches long. Cap calls her his "little lady" and Skidamarink calls her "sweetheart" and they are both completely and totally mesmerized by her. She looks just like Skid did as a newborn and she's already displaying her own little personality. She's a very laid-back, sweet, strong little girl and we are all crazy about her!

 

Gifts from her brothers: Minnie Mouse & a sticker

She had to go back to the hospital on her second night home and was admitted for RSV.  Here she is with the flowers her Daddy brought for her.

Cap "Having a cuddle" with his sister and singing "You are My Sunshine!"

Helping Daddy with his homework

Playing outside

On a picnic with her brothers

She almost always sleeps with her hands under her chin like this.

First bath

March Joy

Taking the Joy Dare from A Holy Experience: writing down three gifts each day for a year.

January's Joy
February's Joy

During the month of March:
1.  3 gifts at 3 pm
mercy at the library * their joy in new books * snacks all packed for the park
2.  3 gifts green
 grass turning greener * that silly green hat * green apple tree he colored
3.  3 gifts wore
super hero mask * make-do wedding ring since my fingers are swollen * Skdamarink's tears when he comes to me for comfort
4. 3 gifts hard to give thanks for
words spoken that I can't agree with * friends whose words & attitudes wound & torment * having to leave when I would much rather stay
5.  3 gifts found
lost library book * patience in abundance * something to motivate
6.  a gift bent, a gift broken, a gift beautiful
teacher bending to connect with a student * toys that still bring joy * baby coos
7.  3 gifts in the kitchen
love motivating a meal I don't feel like cooking * Cap baking biscuits * them all gobbling it down
8.  3 gifts loud
baby girl crying out for what she needs * boys giggling together * squeals of delight
9.  3 gifts carved
time carved out for reading * well-worn notches in the table * words in stone
10.  3 gifts in Christ
all this freedom * no cause for worry * ability to acknowledge sin & know Christ breaks the power & removes the stain
11.  3 gifts read
words from a hymn never heard before * a letter on the desk * silly book shared
12.  a gift in wind, in water, in white
all those blustery blasts bringing warm air * whole house washed clean * lace curtains blowing from open windows
13.  3 gifts round
baby belly growing rounder * bright sun shining * green ball the boys are bouncing around the yard
14.  3 gifts found in silence
silence while boys snooze & I work * beautiful bird-song so loud in all this quiet * midnight bathroom trips revealing a house in peace
15.  3 gifts given away
hugs and kisses shared * little boys giving toys to each other * time spent off task
16.  3 hard eucharisteos
late night work when all I want is rest * thanks for work yet undone * words held back when patience wears thin
17.  a gift turned, a gift folded, a gift hung
turning toward friends to talk together * sweatshirt folded behind my back in those chairs all day * the way they are hanging on the windowsill waiting for me to get home
18.  3 gifts red
little red scarf that transforms my sweet Skidamarink into a ruthless pirate * red paint that will be one day * red sheet hanging in the living room - serving it's last night as "tent"
19.  3 gifts eaten
breakfast with my boys * tacos since he can't be here * candy hearts
20.  3 gifts that made you laugh
little girl watching the sonogram * the way I have to keep learning this lesson * so much joy watching boys play
21.  a gift salty, a gift sweet, a gift just right
tears cried when I realized it was his birthday * the cake a friend made with the boys to celebrate * her offering the stay & help more
22.  3 gifts found in his word
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him" * "The joy of the Lord is my strength" running through my head over and again * us all gathered round reading together
23.  3 gifts found in women today
sonogram tech announcing all is well * friends eager to rejoice in the good news * Grandma on the mend
24.  3 gifts spoken
time to talk with friends * shared relief that all is well * little voices bringing so many gifts
25.  a gift sung, a gift written, a gift painted
Skidamarink singing "glory" * his schoolwork getting caught up * another coat of paint on baby's dresser
26.  3 gifts almost gone
night fading into day * cheerios all scarfed down * food left by friends - letting me rest even more
27.  3 gifts redemed
forgiveness shared when they bicker * discontent not ruling * relationships set right
28.  3 gifts entwined
Skid's head and hands peeking through railings to say hi * boys wrestling with their Dad * time to cuddle
29.  3 gifts of his promises
that he will be faithful even when I am faith-less * love unending * his love for her so far outweighing mine
30.  3 gifts uncovered
sillly little boys, hiding under blankets * new knowledge * sweet baby girl, smiling under that peek-a-boo blanket
31.  a gift heard, a gift held, a gift hoped for
friends and family chatting * purple blanket, oh so soft * healthy baby girl to wrap up in that blanket

All of My Best Plans

The fear sets in when the plans come crashing down.  When I prepare and plan and give all my best effort to getting my ducks in a row only to watch those plans fail.  Sometimes everything comes to a halt and there is absolutely nothing left but to wait.  I can't help but laugh a little at the way it keeps happening - the way all the work comes to a sudden end when so much is undone and the waiting sets in and I must learn this lesson all over.

It happened a few months ago.  We set aside the packing for praying.  For two weeks we prayed that God's will be done while we waited for the moment we would know if we were moving or not.  For two weeks we knew that we probably wouldn't get an answer until moments before it was time to act.  The moment came and we went downtown to sign contracts on the house God said yes to while friends and family picked up where the packing had left off.  And we moved that very night.

It's happening again today.  This nesting momma has been given orders not to nest.  It's time to wait.  The not-knowing gnaws.  Baby's heart beats irregular and we wait for answers.  Fluid levels drop and we don't know if it means she'll be here too early or if she'll be here in a few weeks or if she'll stay and grow until the time we were expecting her. 

And the truth is we're just not ready.  The bags aren't packed and the clothes aren't put away.  The cars aren't fixed and the carseat sits in the house.  We haven't bought a crib and are probably expecting a baby that won't fit into a stitch of clothing we have for her.  And my orders are to sit and wait and not do anything.

It can overwhelm so easy.  My plan A comes crashing down when the doctor says "soon" and I make a plan B and watch while it too nose-dives when I hear of specialists and hospital stays.  Everything spins and the only thing that is clear is that I'm not in control and that I won't be in control. 

The fears threaten to well up when the best laid plans crumble.  I know the what-ifs can strangle if I let them.  So I take time to count joy.  I sit all day in that hospital bed knowing that it's not the magazines or the television I need to distract me from worry.  If I seek distraction those fears will still eat their way in.  What I need is eyes to see.  The only way for me to fight the fear that comes with the unknown in the middle of my crumbling plans and spinning world is to taste and see the goodness of God that is surrounding me and even sustaining me in the middle of the chaos.

This storm, it isn't calming yet and her heart keeps skipping beats despite my prayers and things grow worse and there are threats of danger.  Yet I can look around me and see God's love shine brightly and know that even if I'm not in control, God is.  He is here and I know that he has only what is good in store for me - that all he gives me will be gifts and grace and he will work everything out for my good.

And so I am free.  Free to let go of the fears.  Free to let the plans fall as they may and just hold on tight to God's goodness.  Free to experience joy instead of trembling in darkness.  So, today I count gifts.  I record the little glimpses of God's love all around me and offer thanks for them:

Thank you, God, for:
(Starting with today's gifts)
270.  pictures of baby we'll see today.
271.  everything that is going just right.
272.  the way boys grow and even though it can break my heart to see them no longer babies, it can delight to watch them get so big.
273.  Cap's little button nose and those eyelashes resting on his cheeks that remind me that 5 is still little.
274.  a doctor that inspires my trust.
275.  the way tears can bring those endorphins that make it hurt a little less.
276.  the generosity and help of so many.
277.  friends who love me enough they'll even clean my house if I need it.
278.  the patience of nurses.
279.  access to all the water I need.
280.  pigeons pecking outside the hospital window.
281.  the carpet being in and the boys in their room just in time!
282.  a husband who brings me what I ask for.
283.  a husband who brings me flowers from our yard.
284.  a husband who would even put a dandelion in a vase.
285.  a husband who could make me smile by bringing baby's toy monkey for me to cuddle.
286.  pictures of my three little ones all lined up on the tray by the bed.
287.  a doctor who sits right down to chat.
288.  a doctor who knows I'd be more comfortable at home and thinks that's what's best.
289.  getting to go home and take my boys with me!
290.  little boys wrestling and chasing and using up the energy I can't spend.
291.  prayers surrounding
292.  the way words make thought clear and heal hurts.
293.  Jeff taking such good care of the work I can't do.
294.  hugs from nurses.
295.  the fact that cuddles and conversation and stories are part of a mommy's job and I can still do those!
296.  the way sinks will clog and messes will be made and there will be way too much to do at all the wrong times, but it will still be ok.
297.  the secret of contentment - Philippians 4:11-13

(and backtracking to count the gifts not yet typed out:)

Thank you God for:
144-188
189.  Cap figuring out how to write my name all on his own.
190.  the way he always wants to be Luigi - putting others first while so young.
191.  pastel heart candy in the frilly crystal dish - the one he insisted I keep because it's dainty & beautiful & he knows those things can inspire joy.
192.  the bold way Grandma will come right out and ask where we stand with God.
193.  them eating their fill of good food.
194.  reminders of the responsibility to teach them to share with those who don't have.
195.  pretty journal full of neat words resting on top of a messy scrawled to-do list - a visual reminder of how he gives me all this joy from  the work he has called me to.
196.  a time for work and a time for rest.
197.  order coming slow but sure from chaos.
198.  motivation and energy to get stuff done.
199.  floors all mopped clean.
200.  the way he points out to his son how hard I worked.
201.  home lights burning brightly
202.  talking on the phone with Captain Silly Wiggles.
203.  time to create.
204.  the boys calling me "mother".
205.  remembering how Cap would ask for a song at bedtime in the old house.
206.  getting to meet Jeff for lunch.
207.  seeing those blue eyes across from me in the middle of the day.
208.  sitting long at the table with my little guys.
209.  the way Skidamarink says "munner" instead of "mother".
210.  how much they miss their Daddy when he's not there.
211.  Skid running into our room first thing in the morning, book in hand.
212.  warm weather.
213.  snacks for the park.
214.  picnics.
215.  watching them run and chase each other.
216.  the way Skid kept looking over his shoulder to make sure I was watching.
217.  meeting Daddy at the park.
218.  watching the three of them play so rough-and-tumble.
219.  the way sometimes Daddy-rules are different from Mommy-rules.
220.  that I get to go home to them.
221.  that he fell where he did and not a half inch closer to the table.
222.  time to just be silly.
223.  baby waking me up with her dancing at 2 am.
224.  knowing that in a matter of weeks when she wakes me up at 2 am, I'll get to hold her in my arms and kiss her cheek.
225.  Skid joining in to sing hymns & retelling the stories he is learning about Jesus.
226.  a time to teach & a table full of students.
227.  little boys sharing what is left of my lap.
228.  Ben spotting a cardinal on his own & pointing it out to us.
229.  a healthy boy who will get the hang of this potty-training thing.
230.  success & jellybeans.
231.  Skid finally getting it!
232.  little hands on my face.
233.  Cap so proud to help in the kitchen.
234.  the way work brings extra joy when it is shared.
235.  two whole days with my niece & nephew.
236.  baby smiles.
237.  Cap thinking of things to teach Skid.
238.  the way the boys love their cousins.
239.  big little guy cuddling that baby girl.
240.  eyes to see the glory.
241.  little green shoots in the yard.
242.  anticipation of discovering what spring holds in this new place.
243.  conversations with a 4 year-old about seeing God's love. 
244. a full table during Sunday School.
245.  bare trees standing black sillhoette against purple-orange sunset.
246.  hearing the phone ring and knowing it's Jeff calling to say he's heading home.
247.  being just plain silly together.
248.  green paint on our noses.
249.  little handprints marking freshly painted surfaces.
250.  the joy of exploring.
251.  pirates in the backyard.
252.  pirates in the car on the way to the grocery store.
253.  kid-sized imaginations.
254.  time with friends.
255.  the opportunity to hear the God-stories of others.
256.  wise words.
257.  a friend so willing to help.
258.  long phone call with my boys.
259.  friends with refridgerator rights.
260.  hard honesty.
261.  conviction.
262.  your faithfulness to answer prayer.
263.  baby girl kicking my arm as I write.
264.  knowing not to worry.
265.  Cap finding his first toad at "the farm".
266.  the carpet fresh laid.
267.  feeling the discontent rise and knowing it doesn't have to control.
268.  things going oh-so-wrong when brothers fight and how it's really an opportunity to teach the things of God.
269.  freedom not to hurry.

February Joy

...or on Fridays. :)

Taking the Joy Dare from A Holy Experience:  writing down three gifts each day for a year.

January's Joy
During the month of February:
1.  a gift found at 11:30 am, at 2:30 pm, at 6:30 pm
the man who shared a dollar & a blessing with each of my boys * the man who passed along his grocery cart * time to all cuddle up and read
2.  3 things overheard today, all gifts
 boys & their Dad playing early in the morning * man at the store getting a chuckle out of Cap bossing Skidamarink * Cap comforting Skidamarink when he needed it
3.  3 gifts found in writing
all those words printed out and arranged for Momma's birthday * the boys not even needing to read the words of those familiar stories * writing letters as he sounds out words
4.  3 gifts found when bent down
little hand on my cheek when I bent to talk * faint little milk mustache * the wonder of a blanket fort
5.  one gift stitched, one hammered, one woven
the red shirt that brings out bright blue eyes * all that work he's doing upstairs * my great-great-grandmother's bedspread
6.  3 gifts found outside
frost hanging from trees * him so big he can run to the house by himself * all those stars we can see in the country sky
7.  3 gifts red
 little heads resting on bring red pillowcases * red stitching on my journal * red scarves on the penguins both the boys play with
8.  a gift broken, a gift fixed, a gift thrifted
the cross with my name that waits for glue * pages taped together in books well-loved * a crib for our girl?
9. 3 gifts that were surprises - unexpected grace!
Grandma & Grandpa stopping by * delight at videos of penguin antics * how thrilled they were with their art work
10.  3 times you heard laughter today
Skidamarink laughing while he plays with his Dad * us all laughing together over a movie * giggles while they ride the Daddy horse
11.  3 gifts found in working
the joy Cap has in getting to do real work * that my work is drying tears & explaining mysteries * the spoils of my labor - dishes to eat on, clothes to wear, places to play
12.  3 hard eucharisteos
discomfort & pain that means baby is growing & my body is fighting illness * their grace & forgiveness when I'm so grumpy * taking time to rest when I need to work
13.  3 gifts found behind a door today
Grandparents ready to love little ones * a room full of 4 year-olds full of joy * cupboards & refridgerators stocked with food to help me show them love
14.  3 ways you feel the love of God
adundance of gifts coming so fast I can't keep track * stopping to look at the way He redeems my captive places through marriage * feeling all these little ones around & inside & knowing He uses me
15.  a gift in losing something, in finding something, in making something
losing track of time in the company of dear ones * books to teach him in the right ways * plans for next year, crafter with care
16.  3 gifts in shadows
the way the shadows are unseen  until the sun comes out & throws all into contrast * spiritual truths from natural laws * the way they lengthen as the sun sets
17.  3 gifts in giving/serving
providing a clean place to play & relax & just be * the way hugs & kisses can count * joy in serving - even when it's not what I want
18.  3 gifts on paper
the power of making lists of all sorts * scratchy little letters while he's learning * seeing that love note on my table
19.  3 gifts that were Plan B's
staying home when we were supposed to be out * digging into "school" stuff early because he just can't wait * helping Jeff get work done
20.  a gift at breakfast, lunch, dinner
everyone up before Daddy left * working through tears & seizing those teachable moments * Jeff home to eat with us even though he had to travel far
21.  3 gifts white
bubble bath beards * the milk spilled & the extra milk bought * him all cuddled up in that white blanket asleep on my lap
22.  3 gifts that changed today
bad attitudes changing for the better * hours on the clock changing to bring him closer to home * tires changed and men who stand up for me
23.  a gift of tin, of glass, of wood
plant markers waiting for spring * sticks in the vase, filling with paper as we count the days of lent * that big window to look out
24.  3 gifts before 11 am
everyone up so early again * beautiful morning drive * time with just the little guy
25.  a gift nearly worn out, a gift new, a gift made-do
paper cutter, falling to pieces from projects past * pink sparkly baby shoes * an improvised lunch
26.  3 gifts seen as reflections
little boy on tiptoes brushing his teeth * words about trust to reflect on * sunlight reflected from Jupiter & Venus
27.  3 ugly-beautiful gifts (see beauty in ugly)
carpet dingy from house rennovations * the way they learn through tough mistakes * grocery store fights & the grace to make something of them
28.  3 gifts from the past - that help you trust the future
despite problems before, the babies were born healthy * God has provided in tougher times * knowledge that my certainty on the future isn't what's important
29.  a gift dull, a gift shimmering, a gift cleaned
worn out old books passed down * bright little eyes * house all picked up