Reflecting Love Divine and "Dancing in the Minefield"

The quotes in this post are from "our song": Dancing in the Minefield by Andrew Peterson.

We said goodbye and I closed the door and all I could do was sink to the floor.  I didn't take a step. Just turned around, my back on the door and slid down and sat.  For a long time.  I sat in complete bewilderment and amazement.  I knew.  I have always been chronically indecisive.  That's why the knowing was so important, so significant.  It was one of the greatest gifts I have ever recieved - a moment of clarity like I have never experienced.

"I was nineteen, you were twenty-one

The year we got engaged

Everyone said we were much too young

But we did it anyway"

Really, it didn't make any sense.  It wasn't even really a date.  At least, it wasn't a date in the "we're acknowledging it out loud" kind of way.  It was more a date in the "we're going to say were just friends running in the park, but I'm pretty sure it's a date" kind of way.  I knew he felt the same way because he held my hand.  He said he was warming it up because it was cold in the chilly March air, but I saw right through his disguise.  He held my hand and I was thrilled and it was a big deal for me - I hadn't let a boy hold my hand since my sixth-grade "boyfriend". 

He dropped me off at home, we made plans to watch movies together the next day and our "not really a date" date was over.  That's when I sank.  That's when I knew.  Knew that I would marry him.  Knew that we belonged to each other.  Knew it with absolute certainty.  (If God hadn't given me that gift, me the one who can never decide, how much I would have missed!)

"We bought our rings for forty each

From a pawn shop down the road

We made our vows and took the leap

Now fifteen years ago"

I remember wanting the years to pass quickly.  Wanting to get some time logged to make what was so clear to me look a little less ridiculous to everyone else.  What business does an 18 year old girl who has never really dated have  giving her heart away forever to someone she barely knows?  We dated all of 3 months before we started talking about getting married.  It had been 6 months when he proposed.  I know it looked stupid.  People were worried.  How could it possibly last?  But, I knew.

"We went dancing in the minefields

We went sailing in the storm

And it was harder than we dreamed

But I believe that's what the promise is for"

We are closing in on 10 years from that run in the park.  It hasn't always been easy.  There have been plenty of storms.  Mostly they have been storms from the outside.  There were days when others wounded us deep, when we felt like expendible commodities rather than children of God.  There were days we had to make decisions that ripped us in two - choosing to leave places and people we loved because there was no was no way we could stay and be true to who God called us to be.  There were days when the future was so incredibly uncertain and there was a baby on the way and one in our arms and nothing but long, hard work days for little pay and still only peanut butter and jelly on the table.  There were days when we grieved losses and agonized over others' pain.  Hard difficult days when we clung to each other and to the cross.

"'I do' are the two most famous last words

The beginning of the end

But to lose your life for another I've heard

Is a good place to begin"

There have been a few storms from the inside too - the struggle of two individual people learning how to be one.  Times when sparks flew as iron struck iron (Proverbs 27:17).  Times when our faults and sins were exposed and bits of us we didn't even know were held captive were redeemed. 

"'Cause the only way to find your life

Is to lay your own life down

And I believe it's an easy price

For the life that we have found"

Where would we be now without those storms?  Without those struggles and those damaged, broken pieces of our souls brought to the light by the friction of two people trying to figure out how to love and failing miserably and trying again?  Where would we be without those tough decisions, those hard times?  Who would we be if it wasn't for those storms we faced together?  Funny how God is strongest in our weakest moments and how he turns our mess into masterpiece.  Those times when the winds wailed all around us?  He has used them to re-make us, to re-fine us, to re-deem us.  I have learned to give thanks for those times.

"So when I lose my way, find me

When I loose love's chains, bind me

At the end of all my faith, till the end of all my days

When I forget my name, remind me"

We've spent these last 10 years Dancing in the Minefield.  Even on the days when we could hardly stand to look at each other, I've never been able to pretend it wasn't the right choice.   And on the days when the storm rages wildest and the iron strikes iron and love is hard, I can't help but feel that ring on my finger and look at it and smile.  This love isn't about something easy and pretty.   It's not just a feeling.  It's a promise.  It's one I meant and one he meant and it's not going anywhere.  That's what makes it safe - that promise.  The knowledge that even when sin looms large and ugly and the worst parts of me are visible in open daylight, I am his and he is mine and that won't change.  No fear.  Only boldly dancing on, knowing that sometimes the dance will be beautiful and wonder-filled and sometimes we'll hit those mines and be dismembered.  We can do it because we know Jesus dances with us and he'll use our injury to build us up, make us stronger in our weakest places, and - most significantly - make us more and more his. 

"Cause we bear the light of the Son of Man

So there's nothing left to fear

So I'll walk with you in the shadowlands

Till the shadows disappear"

"'Cause he promised not to leave us

And his promises are true

So in the face of all this chaos, baby,

I can dance with you"

The nine years we've danced the dance of marriage have been the best of my life.  God has used them to wake me up to life like I never knew it before.  Jeff, thank you for dancing with me.  Thank you for making sure I know your promise is for real.  Thank you for being gracious with my stumbling  steps and for loving me beyond belief.  You really do bring me close to home.  God speaks loudest volumes to me through your love and the little ones we share.

"Let's go dancing in the minefields

And sailing in the storms (kicking down the doors)

This is harder than we dreamed

But I believe that's what the promise is for"

And, just to be clear and in case this sounds like the road has always been long and tough and almost impassable - it hasn't.  It's been a wild, unbelievably delightful, gloriously beautiful, adventure!  So thankful God gave me you to love!