Jeff and I are reading the book The Call by Os Guinness with a couple of friends. As I contemplated our discussion last night, I realized that while I have considered God's will for our boys' education, I haven't explicitly expressed the ways I feel God is working through this conversation. I want to take some time to do that because I honestly believe that what God wants is the most important consideration.
I have experienced calling. At different times God has revealed himself to me in a powerful way, shown me something about who I am created to be, and called me to action. I know that I am called to share the love of God with kids. I know that I am called to minister to the church (universal) which I see as broken in many respects. I knew very early in my relationship with Jeff that I would marry him. I experienced it as a call before I even knew much about him. Those things are an integral part of who I am - to deny them for me would be like denying the color of the sky. The best way I can think of to describe my experience of call is as an awakening. There have been moments in my life when suddenly God has shown me some part of myself. He has shown me parts of myself that have always been there that I didn't notice or understand before the call. Sometimes it's like having a really fuzzy idea of some truth without the ability to articulate that idea and suddenly it all comes into focus. Other times it's the experience of a hearing a completely novel idea and realizing that deep down I always knew it was true. It brings peace. It brings clarity.
I'm not a very confident person. I think my biggest struggle is for confidence. I second guess my self all the time. I'm usually pretty sure that I can't do something before I even try it. I hate confrontation and conflict, often because I lack confidence in my abilities or my decisions. I don't like to claim absolutes because there are few things that I am absolutely certain of. The things I am absolutely certain of coincide directly with my callings. I am absolutely certain that God is who he says he is and that he will do what he says he will do. I am absolutely certain that God has given me a special ability to minister to kids. I am absolutely certain that God has shown me ways the church is damaged and that he gives me strength to minister to some of those wounds. I am absolutely certain that I am called to be Jeff's wife. Despite my hatred of conflict, I stand firm upon these convictions and am more than willing to stand up for them.
I'm finding God in our discussion of homeschool. In fact, I'm finding that God led us into the discussion of homeschool. Honestly, my intentions were innocent - I didn't seek out this weird/against the norm idea of home education. It found me. As I've said, we discussed the idea casually before but never considered that we might choose to homeschool. Really, this whole conversation came about through a link to a page about nature scavenger hunts and my effort to help my "problem child" better transition between preschool classes. Now, suddenly we're on this incredible journey that seems to be making each of us a more fulfilled version of ourselves and holds promise for some wonderful life experiences.
Is God calling us to homeschool? I honestly don't know. But I do feel confident that he is leading us in the journey. He has shown up. He has revealed things that feel like an awakening - the sudden realization of things I couldn't see, but were always there - bringing peace and clarity. Though we don't want to make this discussion public until we are closer to a decision, I feel confident about this process of discernment. I know that, if this is where we are called to be God will give me the courage to stand up for a decision that will be extremely controversial. Maybe we won't end up homeschooling. Maybe it will become clear to us that we need to send our kids to public school or maybe that homeschool would be a good fit for one kid but not both. I have no idea where this is going. I do know that my eyes have been opened in new ways that will be beneficial for our family no matter where our kids go to school.
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