Worry...

I started this blog to help me through the process of discerning the right choices for my family - be they physical, educational, emotional, or whatever.  There are so many decisions to make and today I suddenly found myself very emotional, wondering about one decision in particular.  During a spontaneous crying session, I found myself at the feet of God, with nothing to say but the words that stuck out to me from our scripture lesson this morning:  Abba, Father.  (I honestly didn't hear much else from the lesson, what with two preschoolers to wrangle.  But, somehow, I heard those words.)  I found myself crying for help from my Daddy.  There was a lot of comfort in that - knowing that God is my perfect heavenly Father, that he loves me unconditionally, that I can trust him for everything.  And with the comfort of that trust, I was reminded in a new way of something God has shown me over and over again.  

As I was sitting at the feet of my Father I realized that not only am I worried about making the right decision, I am worried about making the right decision in time.  I feel confident that there is a choice God would have me make in most circumstances.  And I've heard the verse about asking and receiving, so I know that if I ask for guidance I’ll get it.  What I'm concerned about is that I'm on a timetable.  I need to know what it is God wants now.  Right now.  I worry that the revelation will come too late or at an inconvenient time and I won't be prepared - I won't be in control.  

 That’s the key phrase: I won’t be in control. My search for knowing the right answers and my need for answers in my own time is often just a symptom of a lack of faith.  Why do I need to know every step of the right course before I head out?  Harsh honesty tells me it's probably so I can double check my footing - put more bluntly, it's so I can double check that what God tells me is right.  I’m realizing that what I’m actually saying is, “I trust God… but I don’t trust God.”  It’s nonsensical.

 And my ludicrous cling to autonomy leads me to worry: if I demand to be in control, there is a very strong possibility that I will make the wrong choice despite all of my lists of pros and cons and hours of research I pour into decision making.

Worrying is one of my biggest battles.  I’m a worrier.  I have been for as long as I can remember.  But worry is certainly sin.  Sure there is concern, but that’s a different thing.  Worrying, which is my area of expertise, springs from a lack of faith and there is no room for worry in my life. I have had to acknowledge the sin of my worrying over health and safety and every little bump in the night and rely on God to free me from that sin.   In the same way I must also acknowledge the sin of my worrying about if and when God will show me the choices I should make.  There is no doubt.  He will show me and it doesn’t matter when, because he’ll show me at the right time.  The only thing I need to be concerned about is listening and following.

So, no more approaching decision making from the land of worry.  No more checking the clock to see how much more time I have before I have to make that crucial decision.  I know that I need to let my Father lead me, resting in the confidence that he will not lead me astray.